Saturday, April 25, 2009

ILOVEHISHMA hates "Muslim" Playboys

I know Arabs aren't the only play-with-your-heart fools out there (I held out rather well in the dating feild of parties and clubs and highschool), and as a Muslim woman who doesn't mix with sexes (I am not friends with them, though I can work side by side with them, or learn and teach about Islam with my brothers in the religion but I never expect a halal and healthy relationship to come from a haraam interaction) I am protected on all sides from getting "played" or having my heart broken.

In my hijab, and my approachable banter about how I love my deen with your average non-muslim Canadian girl on the street (who looks the very image of me before I reverted/converted) I am often approached with questions about Islam, like where to buy hijabs, what are the rights of a Muslim woman, how to become a Muslim woman. My husband likes to think that Allah subhanhu wa ta'ala has made me a tool for all of this, but the truth is, in Islam a woman often comes to the decision to become a Muslim through her own research... Or, as many of these girls I have been approached by, if you ask them where they first learnt about Islam from... they will tell you from their Arab boyfriend. Egyptian, Saudi, Syrian, Somali (these are the most common in my city (and every woman in a store I commonly shop from is dating a "Muslim" Saudi). And I am tired of poor Mexican girls coming to learn about Islam and then their "Muslim" boyfriend breaking up with them as soon as they are serrious about practicing the religion. It makes me sick, and makes my Saudi husband sick. Where is their hayah?! Where is their fear of Allah subhanhu wa ta'ala?! Any sin they committ with a non-muslim woman is worse in the eyes of Allah subhanhu wa ta'ala than one he committs with a Muslim hijabi because at least the Muslim hijabi knows her rights, and the sin is just as much on her shoulders. With the non-muslim woman the sin is all on his, since this girl doesn't know her rights over him in Shariah. She deserves the same route to marriage that we do, the same respect. I know alot of good brothers who respectfully married non-muslim women that they met through chance encounters, not haraam dating, and who they gave their Islamic rights to. Key: if a Muslim man respects you he will marry you, not date you. Plain and simple.

When they tell you their interest in Islam was first piqued by the faith of these non-practicing, club-going, likely alcohol-drinking fornicators, my first reaction is to to jump down these girls throats and scream, if this tool respected you OR his religion he would have already have set up a marriage for you, and explained how men and women don't mix, and he would have gotten you a wali.... I stop myself from this because you don't want offend them about this man they love. I tell them, I am nun who has all the rights a nun doesn't, to be equal to a man in the eyes of God, and to fall in love and marry a person who deserves me. A Muslim man, whether I am Muslim or not, isn't allowed to date or be alone with a woman. Every woman has the right from a Muslim man for him to marry her before he even touches her, to promise to provide for her financially, and give her a home, and food and clothes, and the other rights she has a right to request at marriage. I gently inform them that their man isn't practing his deen to the best of his ability, and they can't become a Muslim just for him. It has to be about them, and their relationship with God, or it won't work, and they'll leave the deen if their man leaves them.

I want every non-muslim woman dating an Arab out there to know, the Muslim community is on YOUR side, not the not-so practicing man's, and you can't become a Muslim to please a man who is hardly a practicing Muslim. If a Muslim man respects you he will marry you and avoid being alone with you until you two are married. There are no fiances that are safe for you to be lovely dovey with in Islam. You meet to know that you could have a relationship together, and then you plan the wedding. Even if you aren't a Muslim, he is supposed to marry you. Alot of people often become Muslim after they are married. Or continue your search without that fool. Islam is the truth. That's the plain and simple reason why so many women who learnt about it from some loser "Muslim" guy are still Muslim. There is only one big scary beautiful and awesome truth, that no matter how you go around trying to disprove it, you realize it is more real and accurate than anything else out there (I am talking about the Qu'ran). Why I became a Muslim? Because Islam is the truth, and it is beautiful, even if alot of people who claim to practice the religion are not, and don't deserve to be the first Muslims you meet.

Arab/Muslim men: I am waaaaaaaaaaay too tired of telling some blonde or Mexican girl who I've met at the mall that you don't really love her, and that you make our religion look bad, and that she is a woman whose search with Islam shouldn't begin with trying to keep you or get you back, ya know? Have a little fear of Allah subhanhu wa ta'ala and love for your sisters in the deen out there, by treating women who could be Muslim sisters with the same kind of respect you want your mother and sister to have. Khadija R.A was a convert/revert. Treat every non-muslim you meet with the kind of respect you'd give her, and we'd see more Muslim women in this world. I love you for the sake of Allah you idiot little brothers. Serriously. Be honorable men, and see the honor in the possibility of a person, and not be selfish pigs.

28 comments:

Jamaican Hijabi said...

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh Sister Pixie,

Great post MashaAllah! Very good advice for those non-muslim women and those non-practicing muslim men.

Anonymous said...

jus out of curiosity how did you end up marrying a saudi sister? did you date proir to marriage?i am currently in dis situtaion pls help.thanking you!
jen

KakChik said...

assalamualaikum pixie. well said sis! i hope they get the meaning from what you've said to them.
a different things happen here in Malaysia. Arabs come to my country for their holidays with the wives are all in black but the husbands mostly wear shorts. They flocked the most happening and social streets in KL drinking alcohol without shame even while their wives are beside them. As fellow Muslim I feel so ashamed because it really shows a bad example of Muslim.

Ayan said...

assalaamu 'alaikum pixie,

Thank you for this post, this is happening within my Somali community too! Heck, some if not most 'muslim' men do this regardless of ethnicity.

It saddens me that these poor women have to put up with these loser. The fact that they repent to Allah (swt) after they fool around with their girlfriends for years, is a despicable behavior (especially when done intentionally). These type of bothers either need to stop claiming they're muslims or start embodying the beautiful teachings of the prophet Muhammad (saw).

Pixie said...

Jen: My husband saw me through the blinds in a classroom where I was a teacher. He let me know hewas serrious about me, that he would be faithful to only me, and he wanted to make a life with me, but heknew, as a non-muslim, this would come off as a bit overwhelming so he pretty much left me alone until I approached him to say this was something I wanted. We didn't date or go out with eachother. Compeltly on my own and seperate from him, on a vacation, I made my shahada, and coming back as a Muslim woman, I decided I wanted a husband and then he got us an Imam and me a wali and I was taught about my marriage rights, and I requested my maher at the nikah, and we got married. If you are dating a Saudi man and are thinking about becoming a Muslim, inform him you are studying Islam, and shouldn't see eachother during this process, but you love him, and ask him if he'll think about treating you islamically---offer to mrry you and go about your relationship honorably, Islamically, and respectfully. If he doesn't, he a. doesn't respect his religion, b. doesn't respect you. It may take him time to come around but sometimes, when a convert makes the effort to behave Islamically, a man might be inspired to follow suit. It's just the relationship isn't going to go anywhere in the future if someone doesn't respect you or themselves.

Pixie said...

KakChik: that's so lame. Grrrrrrrrr.

Jamilah said...

I was talking about this sort of thing last night with some sisters... how does the average muslim man meet all of these non muslim women? It can't be in a very permissible way. In the end, a lot of these women do end up reverting to Islam, mashallah... but there are so many good muslim sisters out there looking for a husband, can't they go find a nice sister first instead of fishing in the non muslim pond?

Anonymous said...

assalam aleykom wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu,

very good post sister Pixie!mashaAllah!!
Alhamdulillah, Allah ta ala has protected me from continuing the relationship with unpracticing brother, now I'm happily married with a practicing one, who taught me a lot how to be a better muslima, alhamdulillah.

with lots of sister's love, Aisha from Poland

Pixie said...

Jamilah: My husband says he chose to marry me because a. he liked the fact that I gave alot to charity and was modest (before Islam) and the fact that I wasn't spoiled like most of the Arab girls he knew. He said I was the only one he could afford:D Most people expect the men to make outrageous ammounts of money and pay a big maher and the women aren't willing to work (which, I mean we don't have to) so it can be hard for some brothers who don't have all that. Plus my husband said he wanted to marry an african sister because he likes african culture and he got a white-african---me. So I think it depends on what the men can afford and what they are attracted to. He didn't want his own culture. He still didn't want to marry a non-muslim, so he always hoped and thought I'd become a Muslim but believe me, he'd never have been inspiration enough for me to convert:D But he can always see father ahead than me. I think the problem with alot of Muslim sisters is they demand too high of mahers. Or don't get married at the right age. Some sisters put getting married off until after they grad.

Pixie said...

when instead of money and looks and brother adab and ideals and Islam are waaaaaaaaaay more important to a woman in the long run.

Pixie said...

Aisha from Poland: Wa alaykom e salaam ramatullah wa barakto. I'm so glad, subhanAllah, alhamdulilah.

UmmAfnaan said...

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi,

Masha'Allah Pixie. You are really doing a wonderful job with this blog. Infact I think its the best Muslimah blog I have come across so far.

If you don't mind my asking, what did you mean by white-african? I am African as well and I was just interested in knowing where you are from exactly.

Pixie said...

Um Afnaan: I grew up in Ladysmith South Africa. My skin colour is caucasion but my culture is African. My nation is Islam:D

Pixie said...

and wa alaykom e salaam ramatullah wa barakto!!!!!!

Pixie said...

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “When any one of you proposes marriage to a woman, there is no sin on him if he looks at her, rather he should look at her for the purpose of proposing marriage even if she is unaware.” Narrated by Ahmad. The author of Majma’ al-Zawaa’id said: its men are the men of saheeh.

The evidence here is the fact that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said there is no sin on the man who is proposing marriage, subject to the condition that his looking be for the purpose of proposing marriage. This indicates that the one who is not proposing marriage is sinning if he looks at a non-mahram woman in ordinary circumstances, as is the one who is proposing marriage if he looks for any purpose other than proposing marriage, such as for the purpose of enjoyment etc.

Sarah said...

Pixie: There is nothing to say that it's "bad" to put off getting married until after you graduate. In fact, I would say the opposite. I have seen countless women (including plenty in my own family) who gave up education just to get married and have kids. Then something happens to the husband - passes away, becomes disabled, divorces her, goes to jail, etc, and she is left with a load of kids and no one to support her. The women ahve to rely on the extend family members who have barely enough to feed and clothe their own kids. And now they are the ones who encourage their daughters to get educated before even THINKING of marriage.

Life isn't black and white. It's easy for us to say that it's bad to put off marriage, but not everyone is priviledged enough to afford that. There's no such thing as the 'wrong' age to marry - plenty of women marry young and regret their decisions because of how immature they are. Would be nice to see sisters pushing each otehr to something other than marriage, because experience shows that honestly, in today's world you have no-one to rely on but yourself to preserve your dignity.

UmmAfnaan said...

Masha'Allah. I thought it was South Africa but just wanted to be sure cos I always thought you were Canadian born and bred:D.

Anyway good post!

Aalia said...

I am doing a post about Saudi "princes" :-P

Pixie said...

Sarah: there can be something bad about delaying marriage, and other times, there are bad things about making marriage the be all end all. I said nothing of the kind and you have taken what I have written in a very wrong way. Aisha R.A married when she was mature and physically ready for the concept. Khadijah R.A waited until the right man came along. Both aspects are important for one to think about when marrying.

I was mature enough in mind and body to have married at thirteen- fourteen years old. I had been physically a woman since I was eight years old. There was a man in my culture [and this was in my days before Islam] who could have supported me emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and helped out my father financially, and to be honest, if we had married then, there would have been alot less fitnah and I probably wouldn't have been as emotionally damaged as I was waiting to marry later on in life.

Parents often have this same thing happen with their children and they wind up with unmarried pregnant children or the guys go around fornicating, or the girls end up with emotional issues. The thing is, when the right man comes along (and if he has divorced her, left her, or gone to jail he was not the man with a good character or she was not mature enough for marriage) with a good character, pious, and she is mature enough to determine what she needs and want out a husband and what he needs or wants out of a wife, they should marry. There is no reason to stop their education. Kids can marry and their families can continue to support them as they grow away from their families. Marriages' only purpose isn't making babies. And of course, if you are not mature enough to determine your own responsibilities and a man's, you should wait. Alot of my friends weren't mature enough to make the same decisions I made until they were 22. And then sister Aalia from Chasing Jannah was mature enough at 15-16. I was ready and mature enough at a way younger age, and yes, I would have been widowed at fifteen but I still would have had my father and mother to support me the same if I had not married, and I would have had the same education. No man of mine would ever tell me to stay home and not pursue all my dreams unless that is exactly what I wanted, and if that is what I wanted, I'd still be able to step out being a widow and work and go to school. I'd never purposely stop going to school anyway since Islam commands us to pursue knowledge from the cradle to the grave. Don't marry if you are not mature enough to determine the right and expectations a husband and a wife should have over eachother, or if the right man doesn't come along, plain and simple. But parents, don't prevent your children for something that is good for them.

desertmonsoon said...

OK, I have to ask, where is that last picture taken and what are they doing? It reminds me of when I worked at a hotel in Zanzibar where the Gulf Air Crew would stay on their lay-overs. The pool would always be full of the male Arab crew members and the non Arab or liberal Arab (like Lebanese) Female Crew members - sometimes they got down right hot and heavy in the pool much to the embarrassment of everyone else. There was one Omani Captain who had wives all over the place - I think everywhere he had a regular lay-over and also was very friendly with the cabin crew.

Anonymous said...

slmz sister! im so happy to hear that you are south african coz i am too.i love your blog keep up the good work.are you still iving in south africa i would really love to be friends with you?

south afican sister

desertmonsoon said...

Hi Pixie,

Your last comment left me wondering how old you actually were when you got married and in which country you were living at the time (South Africa or Canada or somewhere else?)

Also what did your family think about you converting to Islam and marrying a Saudi?


For me I think getting married at a High School age is risky because if you end up getting pregnant then it makes it harder to finish highschool.

Pixie said...

South African Sister: my family moved to Canada but if my husband ever does his PHD we've thought about going to Cape Town, cuz I love it there. I was an 80s Ladysmith girl though,

Pixie said...

Desert Monsoon: I cannot say without revealing who the people are but there is a large Lebanese and Khaleeji pop at this resort.

Pixie said...

DesertMonsoon: I was 21 (graduated at sixteen) and living inthe Sultanate of Oman and Canada.

My family hates it and still does, except for my little sister. I don't talk to my mother at all. And my Dad finds hijab difficult and isn't even willing to think about niqab.

They think I chose someone from the culture most foreign to their own, but they like my husband. He is easier going in his explainations of things that I might tend to be.

And I don't see how one can get pregnant wihtout wanting to when they are being mature and cautious about it. I really don't. But I'm not saying one has to get married earlier in life, only that it would have been or was best for a number of people I know. The marriage doesn't even necessarily have to be consumated or you two living together right off the bat you know? Mine wasn't. Nor was Aisha's R.A. But that way your "dating" is halal. You can talk to eachother while your going to school, and kiss. Do what's natural to you both without doing anything haraam.

Pixie said...

LOL, though that has nothing to do with what this post is about:D I have taken us off on a tangent.

American Muslima Writer said...

GIRL!!!! YOU SAID IT SOOOO RIGHT!!!

They do not respect islam, themselves adn YOU if they arent' ready to make things the right way.

SAY IT SAY IT SAY IT!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

yeah cape towns like the best place here and is my favourite too...hope 2 see you in sa inshaalah...btw im really proud of you and you are truly an inspiration to us all mashaalh!

south african sister