Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Muslim Online Matchmaking Sites

pic from Abaya Chic's blog http://abayachic.blogspot.com/2009/03/weird-muslim-dating-ads.html

WHAT the heck?! HOT, SEXY MUSLIMAH looking for... marriage? Yes, the topic of today is... ONLINE DATING---Muslim Matchmaking Sites. Yay!
I bet you all wanna know what I think about these. I have good opinions. But we'll do the bad first.

Do you drink... answer (yes) (sometimes) (socially) (never).
Um, it BETTER be never. What is that question even DOING THERE! Muslims don't drink! And if they do, we shouldn't be marrying them.
What colour is your hair?
Uh... okay... why doesn't it have a "I'd rather not say option"... like men do, when it asks if they have a beard or not. Didn't I select [female] instead of [male] as my gender? That's why I don't have the beard question with the, "I refrain from publishing that option", but I, the Muslim woman, who wears the hijab ON MY HEAD, have to tell you what colour my hair is, and the whole WORLD CAN SEE it, litterally, if not physically?! Um, I don't think so. So I selected blonde as my hair colour:P. Cuz you know, the question is stupid, and my real hair is black, take that rude online sign up profiles!
What colour is your skin?
Why in hell should that matter when you get married to someone? What a racist site. But they are ALL like this. And you don't get to hide ANY of this information. I chose white. I also said I was five foot one, petite, age 20, virgin, never married, Muslim for two months, wears niqab. I basically made myself seem as naive and helpless as I could to see what weirdos would try and take advantage of that:P
So I made up my fake profile so I could write about my results. One sister used to do this keep track of online perverts and bad profiles. So I gave it a twirl the way she used to wing it. Blonde naive and impressionable pretty young revert who knows very little about her religion makes a VERY good peice of bait... LOL---even without a picture (which I would NEVER put up on one of those sites---a good Muslim man will only need your pic AFTER he's agreed to marry you just BEFORE the nikah).
Anyways, I got alot of chat pop ups with brothers requesting to chat. Some were straight out pervs. I realized that generally any guy that requested to chat outside of the online space provided by the matchmaking site, were interested in chatting to girls (or straight out pervs) not really guys looking for marriage. So say no to giving out your MSN, or email, or telephone number ladies. Tell them you aren't on the site to chat, you are there to find a good Muslim man with the soul intention of marriage. Also, any guy that requests you send him your picture, don't. Say you don't feel comfortable doing so online, but if he is serrious about marriage, you will let him meet with you in person (supervised setting with an arrange wali) before the actual nikah. A good Muslim brother will deal with you islamically, and not ask for things outside the purpose of finding out if you two are right for marriage within the shariah.
Ask him why he wants to get married, and check out his profile before you accept him as a contact and respond to his messages. See if he is already married, what he's looking for in marriage and question him accordingly. If you don't like his reason for getting married, ditch him. Lots of men have stupid selfish reasons for getting married. The same goes for brothers. There are some lazy gold-diggers out there who just want a free meal ticket, and these sisters might wear niqab (but only so they don't have to work) but they don't pray five times a day. Find out what he wants/expects from marriage. Outline the same for yourself. Don't tolerate less than that. You'll lose or reject the creepers here.
Then question his deen. What he thinks about partitions/multiple wives/hijab for men and hijab for women/ tauhid/ family/ kids/ where you'll live, what you'll do...Touchy subjects will reveal what kind of Muslim he is... And if he doesn't ask much about you besides cooking and cleaning--like if, he isn't interested in your deen, beware. That's my advice. I managed to find a half dozen really good practicing brothers, some wanting to live in the states and some wanting to move back to Egypt and KSA... SO ladies, they are out there, but so are some really cultural creeps, and some perverts, and some weirdos, and some dudes that aren't right for you... So the things is, be strong in your deen. You should be looking for the ideal Muslim man. HIS personality (on tip of his deen) depends on YOUR personality, lol. I like to think of the men of the Sahaba, may Allah be pleased with them. Umar, strong but forceful (almost my type, lol). Ali (kind and considerate... not my type exactly though). Abu Bakr (honest, loyal, mentally and spiritually stong) [mashaAllah is all I can say]. Zaid (loved Allah and His Messenger so much).... I think the TYPE of personality depends on the woman, so knowing yourself, and how you want a person to react to things is important. But get the deen and character sorted out first. Then figure out personality. Then figure out living arrangements, kids, money, families, ect...
So conclusion, these sites work just fine but remember chatting to a man online without the purpose of finding out for marriage or increasing your deen or helping him with his is a fitnah so use them responsibly, and Islamically, always keeping an eye out to protect yourself from trolls:P


Milda Spin2liux said...

Salaam Pixie!
I think you went a bit over board with this one, a bit too judgemental... Even if we would like it to be, the world is not black and white. I refer to the drinking question and the skin color and the picture.

Pixie said...

Milda: I don't think I did at all. it is supposed to be Islamic match makiing but it hardly unites ANYONE on Islamic principles. a. Muslims shouldn't be drinking---that's haraam, so yes, it is a stupid question, and if it asks for our skin colour, that is a bit racist, since the primary profiles searched for tend to "white" ones. Also asking a Muslim woman her hair colour. It isn't halal for a man to. The picture would be fine if it was optional to show only once you've accepted a man's profile, but it shows to everyone out there, which I advise women not to do, because of all the perverts (not all of them are Muslim males---some are just sickos). Gotta say the truth. That isn't saying the world should be black or white. It is saying that the site asks VERY little on Islamic compatibility and its all about the physical. Might as well go to a non-muslim site which asks more character-based questions... if it is the site itself you want accuracy from.

Pixie said...

ooopsie, and Milda: wa alaykom e salaam ramatullah wa barakato!

...:Rammka:... said...

Salaam Pixie :)
Maby that's why some wise men launched Half Our Deen site :)

Pixie said...


Sarah Plain And Short said...

since it's online its easy for ppl to let their guard down, and get carried away. And the fact its set up just like a dating site...well I would sincerly hope ne person with good emaan would stay away from it. I dont know if there are good sites out there, but I dont believe they're a good tool in finding a spouse. Better to meet someone in person through the masjid, that way ppl can vouch if their being sincere or not.

Milda Spin2liux said...

Salaam pixie :))
lol look i totally agree that these websites include kind of not very islamic ways of interacting. for example i saw an ad saying muslim women for DATING and marriage lol. but i dont see those questions as non islamic as...you can choose no i dont to the drinking question... or you can put up a picture of something that represents your personality. its kind of good to find out if a muslim does drink though (some ppl are straight up honest) right away than to discover it after you've considered to even get married to the person. i see these questions serve a purpose to disclose our bad habits or sins. thats the function i see of them. and regarding skin color... why does all with color have to be racist? sometimes it might just be nice to know, without a prejudice. And people who do look for these things with a racist intention well... excluding the option for skin color will not really change those people will it:)
and oh yeah wish you the best for your trip cuz i think your going soon!

Jamilah said...

I don't think you went overboard at all. How could any Muslim think that the drinking question is a good one. And you are not supposed to reveal your sins right?

ummqais said...

....a good Muslim man will only need your pic AFTER he's agreed to marry you just BEFORE the nikah).....

mmm, is it mean that muslim man can only see you after he agree to marry you? if it so, as far as i know: a muslim can see part of muslimah body(such as face, calf,even i've heard in reality: hair, etc)that can attract him to marry that muslimah. offcoures it's only for man that serious on marrying you, and you can see yourself whose serious and whose not.
and the meeting between them have to be accompany with the muslimah's wali.
wallahu 'alam

Pixie said...

Sarah: I know people with very good iman who used such sites and found their perfect spouse, but they did so in the manner I described (any picture posted is not of themselves). There are, unfortunately, those that discuss things that aren't Islamic to, and those, or use these sites just to meet the other sex (not find a marriage partner).

Pixie said...

Milda: any one still drinking, you really shouldn't marry, because that means their salat is going to insufficient, and that means your marriage will be invalid in shariah. I still, hold, it is a dumb question:P

Jazzakallah kheiran sister!

Pixie said...

Jamilah: yeah, it shouldn't it's something you could discuss with the man in the comments of getting to know one another, not web wide. In marriage (discussion about the two parties marrying and their wali and witnesses) the revelation of character traits (good and bad) is the only case where revealing sins is halal (outside of business deals). But isn't to be broadcast publically:D

Stupid, stupid question. It could ask something like, select how long you have been a practicing Muslim, or something like that maybe? Instead?

Pixie said...

UmmQais: yes, it is the sunnah that a man may only see what is apparent of you before he agrees to marry, but AFTER he agrees to marry, he is to see you ONCE in the presence of a wali before the nikah.

Divine Sunshine said...

JazakAllah khair for this informative post Pixie, I would like to add for any sisters looking to get married t only use the next as a last resort. That's just my opinion as there are to many risks involved, but if both parties conduct themselves in the correct Islamic manner, it could work out.
But first make use of all your contacts, friends, family, friends of friends...even go to the masjid if you have to!
If yu are serious about getting married and you're ready, people will take you seriously, and this way as the br's will be referred thru ppl you'll get a character reference to go with him from ppl that actually know him!

Just my advice 4 all those sr's out there searching :D

Aalia of Abu Dhabi said...

Hey now, let's not totally nay-say about ALL matches made on-line... ;-) teehee!!

Me2 said...

I think it's better to clear that this kind of adds are fake
exactly like porn adds that puts women pics telling that they're from the same city u live in
muslims who don't follow the rules of Islam don't bother mentioning their religion
thanx for the topic

American Muslima Writer said...

I'm kinda mixed about online ads, they are useful for those living in places where it's hard to find a lot of muslims and it's very hard to get character references in person (if you just moved to a new city). But it has great temptaion of fitnah as u said, sadly my profile based upon stats reads like a "green-card-wanters" dream. :p I had a profile for a while but eventaully took it down as I really couldn't verify if the men were honest, even the sincere ones it's hard to tell. Good probing questions though you listed.
I'm naturally a very gullable person taking people at face value usually unless I see something weird in them. Not a good site for Muslims really. Interesting they are trying to re-make that.

As for putting types of skin and hieght etc...in a better world where a lot more poeple are better muslims none of this stuff would matter but for many it DOES.
Some dark women can not imagine what it would be like married to a white man and would prefer arab or african brothers White sisters may be more attracted towards fellow white or arab coloring or even the opposite only african or spanish colorings. What we are attracted to does matter a bit in keeping hte marriage going. I used to think looks didn't matter but trying to maintain a realtionship and marriage you honestly have to LOVE that person you wake up to everyday. Inside AND out. Sure some poeple abuse this and ARE racial about it IE Arab wants only white american convert thing.... but I fell it does have a place in questionings.

PIXIE!!! You made me raise my eyebrows so far up my head they nearly fell off hon, You said women shouldn't reveal their hair color all over the net then you turn around and said "my hair is black!" WTHeck! You shoulda just said " I randomly chose blonde to attract pervs but it's none of anyone's business what my real color is..." :p

Hmm and hight, well I supose people have preferances for that too as most women like men to be taller or same as them.... the whole male dominant protective thing. you have to admit the whole TOm Cruise Nicle Kidman thing IS rare...though yes ISLAMICALLY it is good not to judge maritl spouses based solely on hieght....

So bottom line you have to walk a tight line between knowing what you want and finding it. Not sure that can always be accomplished online... eventaully the parties have to take it to the next level of meeting with their guardians and families.

Pixie said...

American Muslimah Write: wa alaykom e salaam ramatullah wa barakto!!!!!! He he he. I wondered if anyone was going to point that out, my hair thing. I pretty much told the whole blogger world before I knew that it wasnt a good thing to do. Plus, if anyone knew my whole legal name (good luck nasty anon) they could find pics that I can't get back. That is why I say to Muslim women... don't put your picture on the internet unless you don't care that perverts could wind up with it. Plain and simple. LOL. It isn't good to do...LOL, learn from my mistakes ladies. Some regretts one cannot get back.

amina said...

salaamu alaikum,
I agree, there are tons of weirdos on those sites! But there are a lot of nice honest people too. you have to write if anything really interesting happens with your fake profile!

ummqais said...

salaam, pixie.
i'm still curious bout your answer for me up there. i couldn't find the hadits, could u tell me...?

ummqais said...

assalamu alaikum,
have u get my previous comment? i see it didn't show. want to ask you bout this....but AFTER he agrees to marry, he is to see you ONCE in the presence of a wali before the nikah.... still curious, coz i haven't know it before. could u tell me where i can find the hadist?

Pixie said...

ummqais: Wa alaykom e salaam ramatullah wa barakto sister, sorry, I was really busy on the weekend. I didn't have time to look of the ahadiths and that is why your comment didn't appear.

First example is Um Salamah:
The following hadith narrated by Umm Salamah:“When my ‘Iddah (This type of ‘iddah refers to the 4 months and 10 days of mourning that Allah has legislated for a woman after her husband passes away) ended from [the death of] Abi Salamah, Rasūlullah (Sallalllahu ‘Alayhi wa Sallam) came and spoke to me and between him and I was a Hijāb, and so he proposed to me…” Note, she said: "there WAS a hijab, not, "I was WEARING a hijab". What we often refer to now as hijab (the headscarf) is known in the Qu'ran specifically as a khimar. "Hijab" is an Islamic term that means "cover" such as a screen, partition, or a veil. THE WHOLE OF A MUSLIM WOMAN's MODESTY (her voice in public, her Islamic clothing, what she says, what she does) is her hijab, her portable covering. If this type of "hijab" were what the hadith were referring to, Umm Salamah would have said: "between us was Hijab", not "a hijab" which in the Arabic, grammatically refers to a specific kind of cover, [a veil, or a partition, or a screen] and not the kind that Um Salamah was wearing. You simply can not get that out of the grammer.

As you see here, up to the point her proposed marriage, he kept a partition between them, and was not seeing her face. But he DID encourage men to physically see the bride ONCE before the nikah (after they had agreed to have the nikah): Once a companion told him (sas) that he was going to get married. The Prophet (sas) asked if he had seen her. When the man said no, he (sas) said:

"Idh-hab fandhur ilaihaa fa innahu ahraa an yu'dama bainakum."
"Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you." Ahmad and others and it is sahih.

mirele said...

A lot of those "Muslim" websites are actually just worked over sites like "match.com" but geared towards what the owners perceive is a "Muslim" audience. They use stock photography of cute couples wearing proper hijab (both men and women) but these people are just models.

Now, that said, what does a woman do? I admit, I have seriously mixed emotions about getting married. (Knowing American family law will do that to you.) I'm a recent revert and I hear all this stuff about "marriage being half my deen" but, frankly, I've also heard/seen some scary stories that make me concerned not to be a victim. Plus, I've found that if your basic standard American guy find a well-educated, outspoken female hard to deal with, what about our Muslim guys who expect a woman to just roll over and accept everything he says? I'm in my late 40s, I've lived on my own half my life, I support myself--but I also live in the same town as my elderly (non-Muslim) parents and they rely on me for certain things. How do you fit a marriage into all that.

Sorry to rant. Just needed to vent a little bit, as you can tell this is fairly frustrating for me.

ummqais said...

wow, it getting more blur in my head. i don't know is it becoz i didn't understand english well, or else. i mean i can't get the message from the hadist that it is haram for the second meeting before the nikah after the agreement.

Anonymous said...

Umm Qais: more than one meeting isn't harraam (I never said that) but that it was only sunnah for the man to come and see the woman i.e look at her without lowering his gaze when his intention is to offer marriage. When he offers the marriage, after that he is encouraged to see her, and then they plan the nikah.

e-s said...

assalamu alaikom,
idk, i'd rather know upfront if someone is a smoker/drinker cuz that tells me a lot about their deen right there! so, even though some of the questions seem surprising, i'd rather know it straight away if he's a drinker, even if "only occasionally".

Finding a partner on a website like this is necessary for some (small community, convert, whatever). Some don't have much luck elsewhere. BUT!!! I've heard a lot of strange stories about people. Ya gotta take it REALLY SLOW and do a lot of homework on the person you're interested in.

A few of my friends are tinkering around on these sites right now, and it made me wanna make a fake profile and see what would happen, too. LOL I'm glad you did it for me cuz I got too busy and I figured I didn't want the legit brothers to waste their time on me. You know, the three legit brothers out of 200. LOL (Not that women are a lot better, I have heard stories about women, too!)

ummqais said...

ok, i think it's my miss understanding.
when i read ...'a good Muslim man will only need your pic AFTER he's agreed to marry you just BEFORE the nikah'... (funny, i thought i've read words'CAN see you once'before, instead of'will only need your pic'),what cross in my mind is that the 2nd is cannot, cannot means if you do it you get sin, that equal to haram.
i prefer , -since i don't find its forbidden-not to limiting the meeting between a couple who'll get married(as long as still in syariah rules).
coz marriage is a long life relationship, it's need enough ta'aruf, to knowing each other so you can sure that this muslim/muslimah is someone that you'll share allmost everything in your marriage.
though, me myself only meet my hubby once before the khitbah and once before the nikah, and alhamdulillah he's the right man for me, insya Allah.

oh, bout this kind site-the main topic-, i doubt it. who can tell that man/woman u know from the site don't make fake whole or part of profile like u did(lol). better ask help for someone u know well, yes, its hard for some, but it's safer.

Anonymous said...

Salam Alaykum folks. I've got a theory that most of the "Muslim" dating websites on the net contain MANY FAKE profiles published BY THE WEBSITES THEMSELVES! Particularly the female ones. I'm sure scammers who are not affiliated with these websites put up fake profiles as well, but in my estimation about 50% of the female profiles are fakes setup by the webmasters themselves.

There is an unwritten rule that men are usually gonna have to pay to contact women on such sites... Hence, this huge bunch of suckers is readily available for milking recurring subscription fees from every month. You can tell by the types of responses you get (even after you make up the 'perfect' fake profile of your own). And also the fact that most of the 'females' such sites are usually non-paying members. These sites are such a scam. Some are a bit notorious for re-billing you after you opt out of the membership as well. I think the local Masjid service is probably one of the best ways to find someone.