Thursday, May 5, 2011

Asalaam alaykom: Personal Update, About Multiple Wives In a Marriage, and BM Online Boutique

Asalaam alaykom ramatullahi wa barakato sisters,

I hope you are all in the best of health and imaan. Alhamdulilah, I am into the third month of my pregnancy. The wacko baby hormones have made my skin perfectly clear and dewey, the morning sickness has shrunk my thighs (which no excercise or diet ever seemed to do---and I am not fat to begin with), and my bra size is starting to cause me back pain. I don't know anyone to ask but I hope they shrink back to normal size after the feeding period. [I always hated sisters blogging about icky baby and pregnancy stuff before so am sorry to bore ya'll with the same]. Bad thing is though, seems I am one of those people who will suffer the morning sickness past the three months period, which is rather wretched. The baby is growing though alhamdulilah, so despite my inability to eat a great deal of foods or be a normal person until well after 12:00 pm [I have thus taken time off from working because throwing up isn't very professional] I have a cute baby bump that is apparent though my abaya. I think, I will have to buy more clothes soon, since the abaya pulls at the front and gets tighter on the butt in the back. I will leave this to my husband, since he's the one who'll be picky about that.

Due to my sickness I have been slow to get the Beautiful Muslimah Online Boutique fully running, and I apologize for that. I miss the morning shopping and that leaves only my evenings because shops in Oman close from 1-4pm everyday. And, since my husband shares days between me and my sister-wife, sometimes I elect to spend the night with him instead of the business, and HE HATES when I go to the souq without him (though the mall is okay) as many tailor shops have only men working in them. Please forgive me. My husband's holidays is soon, so I will have way more time, and will want to go to work in the evenings, since we'll spend the whole day together.

About the inqueries I have already recieved I am working on them.

Unto a marriage with more than one;) because I am sure you are all curious (or disgusted, who knows, but we're pretty happy).

The way our marriage works right now is my husband spends 4 days, then 3 days (because of the work week) on rotation with me and my sister wife. We'll call her F from now on. We usually rotate a Monday or a Sunday. She always gets the weekends, as this is easier for my husband, and I usually get weekdays (which was easier for me, because he could drive me to my work and back). But we switch this Monday between us every week so its fair. Also F and I can choose to give up days in order to book a day on the other's time. Also, maybe a day is special to us, like a wedding anniversary ect, or we have an emergancy, or a child's birthday if our husband isn't working. In that case, as they are special occasions, we usually have no qualms giving up our days. Our poor husband has to try and convince us to give up our time for his friends. We like to say we give him one day a month to hang out with his friends each, so that is two days, but this probably isn't enough for him alas. Which is why he says he doesn't have time for a 3rd wife even if we'd ask him to take one.

People always say they can't imagine their husband sleeping with or kissing another woman. Really, to be honest, it isn't a big deal to me or her. We have our special things each. He'll call her something that is meaningless to me, and he'll call me something that I like and makes me feel special. A man's honesty and attention are what a faithful husband is, and he is honest with us, and faithful to us. And if I have pleasure and closeness, I want her to have the same.

The hard thing is the occasional insecurity, feeling like the other wife is more of something or has something that you don't. This is where jealousy can come from. No woman is ever jealous in nature unless she is insecure in nature. Men should know this before they marry another wife. This is the key to where being fair to all comes in, besides in the material provision of wealth and time scheduling. If a man can manage his wives' insecurities honestly, the wives' feelings of having less or being less, there will be no jealousy.

A woman will feel like she is less or that the other wife has more if there is nothing special between her husband and herself. That "romance" quotient, the "wer'e meant for eachother" thing. People reading this will probably feel like that is a contradiction of being fair but we've learnt that it isn't.

Women have different needs, and different things are important to them. To me it is important that my husband thinks I am unique, that he admires my strength but is amused by my weaknesses, and that we share a good friendship and can just hang out for hours. F, she likes romance, to know that she is very feminine, that she is a better cook, to have someone to listen to her. I like to tell my husband stories. I think because F and I have different personalities, it is possible for my husband to love us each as if we are the only one (because we are the only one of our kind) and yet equally. He loves different things in us equally. The only hardship comes when both of us square off for the same love in the same thing. Like, lol, who is sexiest. This, I am sure, he is NEVER 100% honest with us. He'll tell one of us we are more experienced, and the other he'll tell, she's better at a certain thing. So he doesn't lie to either of us, but he isn't stuck in a corner. I think, as long as he gives us his full attention, and gives us equal time, then we feel desired enough that we forget about competing, and we can just be ourselves.

Me and F, we get along good now, though it took a bit of getting used to. I was kind of jealous cuz they both spoke Arabic and I suck at accented Arabic dialects lol but that was stupid, and F was kind of jealous because husband and me spoke a little Irish-Gaelic, and that she obviously didn't know, but neither thing in the end warranted anything and we got over it and laughed at ourselves.

Now, when we are too mad to listen to our husband, or are insecure about something and sad, we phone the other, and other cheers up, because they are usually in a more rational state than us. We both share what we know about Islam, health, and our husband's mood and character, to help the other improve her marriage. Really, it can be wonderful you know? Because if you complain about your husband to your friends, they never forget it, and he's always a creep even if you were wrong lol, and if you complain about him to your family they get involved and it become a mess (in my case, they think Muslim men are bad and Islam was a stupid choice for me). But is you complain about it him to your sister wife, she reassures you if you are right and takes your side and gets angry too, and if you are wrong, she helps you laugh at yourself, and how your husband can at times, be an idiot, even if he is right.

I always kind of wanted my life to be like this (only in the same house) we're a bit far away now due to realestate issues, but inshaAllah next year.

So, yeah, mostly doing good. Just the morning sickness thing getting me down. InshaAllah it ends soon and goes away and stays away:)

29 comments:

Cea said...

Assalamu 'Alaikum Pixie. Glad to hear that your polygamous marriage is working out. Subhan'Allah, I am not sure if I could do it...but I think the stigma has dropped for me a bit. I think also because there's a show on TLC called Sister Wives. It's about a Mormon family with 4 wives and 16 children, and I think that has helped open me up too. It works for them and kinda shows how polygamy can work in a modern context. Anyways, salam, just wanted to say hello :) xox, Cea.

Umm Aaminah said...

Haha it's normal that you were bored with other sisters' talking about baby issues before you were ready to be a mama. Now you'll be all ears though!

As for the breast issue, wellllll they do usually go back down although some women might stay up a size but they will change. Gone is the.... perkiness you might have enjoyed pre-baby.

But you know, that's ok too. We are not designed to stay young and girlish forever and our bodies are meant to change too. Now your husband will see reminders of your love and sacrifice for him and your child everytime he sees your newly re-designed self. :-)

Just take it easy and treat yourself if/when you can. I am a firm believer that poly marriages can indeed be a blessing and ocassionaly wish I was in one now (when my stepkids are trying my last nerve or I wish I could watch 2 chick flicks in a row or just eat mashed potatoes for dinner. LOL).

Enjoy this time sis; as with all things, the first time only comes around once. :-)

Ma salaama...

zanjabil said...

Masha'Allah sis, I think you shed some light on polygamy in a positive way. It's nice to hear about it being done the way Allah commanded it. :) Hope the sickness gets better.

Boxie said...

Inshallah things will keep getting better :)

Umm Hamza said...

Awww masha'Allah. I love having my co-wife too. Hubs has a strong personality, and it can be a true relief to share the load with someone, and you always know that she understands EXACTLY how you feel. LOL May Allah bless you and your family, and your co-wife, and give you some relief in your pregnancy. Don't worry, sis, all the baby body changes are a small price to pay for becoming a mother for the sake of Allah. Boob inflation got you down? Just wait till your last trimester...stretch marks! *wink* Salams!

Adventurous Ammena said...

alhamdulillah... Ive been meaning to email you to find out what happened with the meet up :( Too bad we couldnt see you both.. insha'Allah next time :) Hope it didnt make a big thing out of your schedule.. I will email now insha'Allah

Alice said...

assalam alaikum!

Congrats on starting to work again!

I dont work and admire working women a lot! I hope I can work one day too...

A hijab blog would be cool! As you tie your headscarves so nicely! would be great if you could make some tutorials for other sisters new to hijab :P

Pixie said...

Cea: Wa alaykom e salaam ramatullahi wa barakato, yes, the stigma comes from men who marry a second wife looking for a younger version of their first, or completely neglect other wives for a favoured one. These guys are doing it unfairly, and their marriages might be reckoned invalid by Allah on the day of judgement, so they better watch out lol! May Allah help and strengthen women from these situations. For me, it is better, cuz honestly, I am a lazy wife, and most GCC Arab men, they want attention or to be with you 24 hrs a day. So if you want to be selfish and browse hours through a mall or spend hours doing something you know he only does for you.... lol. Plus, I got tired of being compared to what Saudi women would do. Since my husband is not married to both a convert/westerner and a GCC Arab, he can't complain anymore and I don't have to change. I just pretend to get mad (I'm not, I am being lazy) and say, "go to her house then." Don't get me wrong, he was always kind and Romantic and sweet, but sometimes he'd wish I'd react differently or be able to magically predict when he was hungry lol. F, she was this wondrous ability of knowing when to iron a thobe, or when to make a certain meal. Me, I really, really have to be told hours in advance. I am not a thoughtful person by nature. So its great that we have that in our lives now. And for F, she loves having someone creative and who thinks differently than the norm like me, because we tend to get things done quicker. Anyways, inshaAllah more of the stigma goes away as more Musim women and men understand the concept and know how and if they can manage it, ameen.

Pixie said...

Umm Aaminah: Haha, I was NEVER perky because when I was a teen I was 100 lbs with size D cups, and then I kind of went through a period where I was a little poor and couldn't eat alot, and they totally shrunk to B. Now they're back to being D's (hubby of course thinks it's awesome) and the doctor said they should go back to being low Cs. That's still bigger than my starvation body lol, so I'll fit Omani clothes easier, but all my Western clothes are size zero and now the breasts will look kind of slutty mooshed in there if they are not B's, alas. I like shopping, but I am saving for an actually designer quality kitchen with stainless steal appliances and this will kill that dream... alas.

Yes, two chick flicks in a row hehehe. My husband has to sit through the same chick flick twice with 2 women hehehehe. F likes to see them first because it makes her feel special, and I am that annoying person who likes to ask "why is he doing that?" "what happens now" "does he die?" so it's all good for me and works out because I can bug my husband the WHOLE movie because he already knows the ending.

*sometimes I make a can of Campbell's soup, or a plain plate of houmous for dinner, and nothing else, lol. A plus of having a day or two to yourself.

*Sometimes F wants to send her smallest one on my days to us, so she can dedicate more time to her oldest.

All advantages. I find more advantages then disadvantages. But my husband really does exhaust himself doing it fairly.

Pixie said...

Umm Hamza: Alhamdulilah, may Allah bless your marriage and that of your co-wife. I haven't ever read any blogs about co-wifes before so I'll check your's out.

I already have totally awesome strech marks on my thighs, hip bones, and chest, so add some to the stomache:D They don't really show though, because my skin is the same white as the scarring so I am not worried about that. But getting rid of that bit of baby lumpy tummy I want to try to do.

Pixie said...

Umm Hamza: Alhamdulilah, may Allah bless your marriage and that of your co-wife. I haven't ever read any blogs about co-wifes before so I'll check your's out.

I already have totally awesome strech marks on my thighs, hip bones, and chest, so add some to the stomache:D They don't really show though, because my skin is the same white as the scarring so I am not worried about that. But getting rid of that bit of baby lumpy tummy I want to try to do.

Pixie said...

zanjabil: Alhamdulilah there are still some Muslim men and women who can understand the concept, may Allah increase our knowledge, ameen.

Boxie: INshaAllah! When you come to visit we'll see because F wants to meet you.

Ammena: No worries, and don't worry, our day was fine. Hubby went back to work, I ate croissants from the airport cafe (which are REAL croissants), and went to paint.

Alice: Wa alaikom e salaam. I just stopped working, I have worked all my life, but I do intend to start again fulltime again in 2 months, and parttime in 2 weeks. My online boutique sells abayas and shaylas and soon niqabs. I can show different ways of wrapping them, inshaAllah.

Stacy aka Fahiima said...

MashaAllah mabrook for the little life that is growing inside you :-)

Body changes during pregnancy can be a little strange, but they do go back to a new "normal" after awhile. During pregnancy and through her first 6 mos I went from a B to a C cup, but they gradually went back down to a B after I started introducing solid foods. She nursed until 2, and I don't think it made my breasts any different than they would've been otherwise. The other moms are right though, you just have to appreciate your battle scars as part of the beautiful life God has given you.
It sounds like you and your co-wife have the right attitude about your marriage. I think it can work out in many cases, as long as all of you are understanding, flexible and forgiving. Its good that your hubs realizes you will never be exactly like his other wife and loves you as your are.
Blessings with everything in your life sweetie!

Nanusa said...

Congrats again...that's great..I'm really happy to know that u doing well and that u are happy..may Allah keep u happy always and in good health inshallah..

Anonymous said...

assalamu aleikum
Dear sister ,mashAllah you have really wonderful blog !
My name is Aisha and I'm Co-Director of New magazine for Muslim women coming in June this year inshaAllah .Magazine will be covering diffrent topics related to Muslim women's lives ,such as :Family life ,Health and Fitness ,Hobbies ,Beauty ,Real Life stories,Marriage ,Motherhood and much more ..
It would be really great help if you could mention our New magazine on your blog .Will it be possible to place a small image with our First Launch Cover?If not then could you put the link to our website. www.jenanmagazine.com

Please email me with any qiestions .aisha@jenanmagazine.com
May Allah reward you with all good .

waaleikum salam

♥ααℓiα♥ said...

Asalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakato my dear Pixie,

MashaaAllah I am so glad things are going well for you -- I only wish you would be more active on your ILH Blog with more of these encouraging updates!! InshaaAllah after I complete everything (you know what they are LoL), I will return to the Blogging world and hope to continue inspiring others, like you have done with this Blog.

My prayers and best wishes are with you and I hope to see you and your little baby before the end of the year <3

Ma3asalaama xoxo

candy olive said...

Salaam Pixie

Alhamdulillah your marriage and relationship with co-wife is working out well. Insha Allah Allah will bless all three of you with more of the good stuff you are carefully nurturing.

I'm all for polygamous marriages done the way Allah commanded. But I know it will be hard for me to be in one. Though I understand it and feel it can be really rewarding and happy like yours.

So happy for you!

Oh about the bra size: I was a B cup before pregnancy, then back size grew along with breasts but still somehow a B cup. After breastfeeding and weaning, I am now an A cup - The pregnancy size was too big, and now the A-cup is too small. i wish I had the B cup back but I hear conflicting stories, Some say it doesn't return to that size, others say it wil over time...

candy olive said...

Pixie, please may you invite me to your beautiful muslimah blog? i used to read it until you closed it to the public.

jazakallah

jana z. said...

assalamu alikom pixie, i always read but i dont think ive ever posted before. i wanted to thank you for writing a positive account regarding polygyny!! i dont think i could ever participate and really dont care to be in a polygynous marriage as ive made clear so many times. ive also written posts about women who encourage others to try and see the blessings and in the next breath they are berating and gossiping about their co wives! this bothers me terribly...

so it was refreshing to hear you positive comments and how much you like her co wife. you seem really happy. good luck on the pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

Assalamy alaykum
mashallah pixie you are a real inspiration for a topic that most of us would cringe about. Alhamdulillah its refreshing to see a still young sister taking on this new blessing into her life and dealing with it so well. May Allah reward you ameen.
Also whats you opinion on birthdays being celebrated for chilren or adults as muslims?
Jazakallah khair
**Bella-Vita**

Aisha said...

As salamu laikum, Mabrook on your pregnancy! May Allah make it easy for you and your little one and give u a speedy delivery! Enjoy picking out cute little baby stuff. :)

Pixie said...

Stacey aka Fahima: Yeah, I'm not one worried about scars. I am worried of being out of shape though. My pregnancy is not an easy one and the morning sickness has made physical excercise hard. So after baby, baby and I are going for a lot of stroller runs in the park, inshaAllah.

My husband better not expect me to change, lol, because I am not one of those people who are good at it lol.

F is a sweetie. I was totally okay with being in a marriage with her from the beginning. Husband made sure I was involved in the process, and that F and I could meet and talk beforehand. I think, it would be totally different if we thought the other was a bad person or something. Still had though. I think the first 5 months are the hardest, after that, it is easy alhamdulilah. You work out the kinks first;)

Pixie said...

Nanusa: Thank you so much. You too. I know we all made our home now in Oman but if I ever come to KSA I will try to meet up with you because you have been so kind to me over these last two years:) jazzakallahkheir, may Allah bless you and your family for your kindess, ameen.

Jenanmagazine: Email me your cover image to bm_pixie@hotmail.com and I will do.

Pixie said...

Aalia: wa aalaykom e salaam ramatullahi wa barakto, I ask that Allah protect you and bless your family ameen. Alhamdulilah, I know I don't blog alot. Life got so busy and net in Oman is soooooooooooo slow. I felt I should share more about my marriage though, since I hear horrow stories all the time, and really, I found a way to make it work. But then, I was always okay with this situation, not everybody is.

Pixie said...

candy olive: Salaam alaykom! The Beautiful Musliumah blog I may open again one day, but it doesn't have access for anyone but me. If I open it again, that means I will transfer everything from ILH to there.

Alhamdulilah for my co-wife, F. She and I can laugh together when other people would be crying.

Pixie said...

jana z.: Asalaam alaykom and thank yo9u for commenting then since you usually you don't ;).

I think it can be easy to complain too. Marriage is hard with just 2 people, especially if either partner has any insecurities they haven't worked out. Some women, honestly, don't have the mental and emotional security for it, and some men lack the ability to be fair. Add another into the mix with people who don't have full maturity when it comes to their self-confidence and identities? Disaster.

I am sure F and I complain about eachother lol, when we are annoyed at something or other, but it doesn't last, because she really is sweet and helpful, and she says I am the same. We would be friends outside this marriage anyways so why not be friends in it?

I think the first thing anyone needs to know getting into a marriage like mine is do they feel that they are enough for themselves, and that no one else can lesson what they are and achieve but Allah? If you are a woman, and you haven't attained this, I don't care what a man says, you will have problems dealing with another wife. Also, if you can't feel that your husband loves you, and that he would choose you if you were the in the position of the wife being added to the mix, no matter what. For me, I come first in my marriage, my relationship with Allah, my relationship with the Ummah, my relationship with my husband. Nobody can lesson this for me. So I struggle less. I know if my sister-wife and I reversed the order of first and second with eachother, our husband would have loved us anyway, and chosen us the same. Then, and only then, comes the men being fair part. And that part is SOOOOO important AFTER marriage.

I love my co-wife. She gets me when nobody else does. People should try to form this kind of bond with their co-wife if possible even if their husband is unfair and a dolt because really, she'll be there for you more than he can be at times.

Pixie said...

Bella-Vita: I don't celebrate birthdays because they aren't an Islamic holiday, but I do go to iqiqas/hul huls (which in English is a birthday of sorts though not on the day of birth, but is a sunnah) and visiting of new babies ect. I like to give my sister wife's kids gifts anytime, but hubby prefers that I keep this practice to when another kids is getting gifts so no one feels left out and it isn't associated with any event in particular.

I don't know why people cringe. I mean, I guess I understand how it has to be done Islamically, so my rights don't get stepped on, so I find it easy, because done right it can be a blessing. But there is no extra reward for me in it I am sure, because it is something I have always been okay with. It isn't something I have had to struggle with for the sake of Allah. And my husband does it right, after a month or two of tweaking;D Alhamdulilah for F & Husband, and F's kids.

Pixie said...

Aisha: Wa alaykom e salaam ramatullahi wa barakto, alhamdulilah I am know I am fortunate to have this baby. May Allah make the baby a strong Muslim for His sake, ameen.

Anonymous said...

aslm pixie i am from south africa i am a revert i am married to a pakistani i am second wife my husband is amazing and my co wife is amazing the best you a gr8 example to me and you and yr co wife masha allah allah bless you